REUTERS -- UNITED STATES, November 13, 2007
The sudden disappearance of over three million residents from Southern California is being dubbed by some locals as a "rapture of the writers." What began yesterday with presumed crank phone calls to local authorities from various religious adherents who feared they had been "left behind" has escalated into a nationwide manhunt involving spiritual leaders, UFO enthusiasts, the FBI and psychic specialists. Today investigators now admit the evidence overwhelmingly points toward all the victims of this unexplainable phenomena hailing exclusively from the ranks of writers.
But it seems that not all branches of writing have been impacted. The exceptions include journalists and copy writers at news organizations, as well as music writers, poets, and speech writers. New York City also reported a sudden disappearance of millions of its local scribe residents. Other large US cities like Chicago, Philadelphia, Miami, Boston, and Nashville, as well as many others, have likewise reported similar disappearances of writers, but on a much smaller scale. Scattered reports from hundreds of thousands of smaller communities of a dozen or so missing persons per town also continue to stream in to authorities every hour. So far, the total of writers reported missing in the US has exceeded twelve million and continues to grow. The per capita impact seems to be spread rather uniformly throughout the nation, Red States and Blue States alike, with the highest concentrations found in the LA and NY areas.
Some seemingly unrelated industries such as advertising and even elementary school teaching have also been impacted. And it was the presumed illogic of these diverse professions that initially threw investigators off the trail. "We were stumped at first," said one FBI investigator who did not want to be named. "It wasn't until we realized that five of the seven missing school teachers from one city had all published their own Young Adult and Children's books that we were finally able to connect the dots."
The primary targets seem to be novelists and comedy/drama scriptwriters. But it has also come to light that if any members of the "excluded" areas of writing (journalism, music, etc) have a history of dabbling in fiction, it seems that they too have been taken. This reporter has an office colleague who was writing a novel in his spare time, and that colleague is now reported among the missing.
At this time authorities are unable to say where the writers have gone to, or how they can be located, nor even if they are still alive. But all resources are being funneled into solving this mystery. The White House has declined to comment at this time as to whether the President believes this situation poses a threat to national security.
"It's really very disturbing," said one law enforcement official in Los Angeles. "We can't explain it. We're doing our best to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully, there won't be any MORE disappearances. Like maybe dancers or chefs might be next. Who knows? But we're doing our best."
"It's the rapture," said the Reverend Kyle Sarino of Bread of Life Church in Los Angeles today in a press conference, "but only the FIRST stages of it. More disappearances will follow. God took the writers first as a sign. God's primary means of revealing his truth to mankind was always through the written word. And since we failed to listen to his writers down through the ages, he has taken them away from us as a warning of what is to come next." When asked why God would be concerned with fiction writers, unless the Bible itself might be nothing but a work of fiction, the Reverend Sarino abruptly ended the press conference.
"Writers are a threat," said UFO researcher Martin Bryce. "They have been eliminated from the landscape because an alien invasion force knows that only a writer could have the imagination to see through their falsehood when they at first come proclaiming peace. Such aliens also know that ALL means of human communication start with the written word. So by taking the writers, they are defanging our ability to communicate on a global basis, paving the way for invasion." Martin Bryce runs the Greater Los Angeles UFO Watch. He is also an assistant manager at the Burger Bash on La Brea Avenue.
Meanwhile, it's not clear how this situation may impact the closely inter-related industries of TV, film, radio, and publishing. All efforts to contact the leadership of the Writers Guild of America for comment have failed, and it is feared that most or all members of that organization have fallen victim to this crisis.
The Police Commissioner in Los Angeles is urging all citizens who may have a family member who writes for a living to get in touch with that family member to make sure he or she can be accounted for. A special "Lost Writers Hot-line" (800) 465-9355 (800-INK-WELL) has been setup by the FBI where citizens can call in and report a missing loved one. And a web site will hopefully go live later today where updates will be posted by investigators, and where e-mail reports with photographs of missing writers can also be submitted by friends and family: www.writerscomehome.gov